| sidesaddle practice |
| 11.30.04 (2:53 pm) |
I practiced yesterday to get ready for the sidesaddle clinic next week. I wanted to make sure that the act of swinging my right leg over my horse's neck would not send her into a mad gallop. This would have sent Spirit into convulsions so I still think that relatively calm things are potentially earth-shattering.
While standing still I started swinging my leg forward and back. No response from the horse. I put my foot on her neck. This got me a bit of look. Not a "I'm going to bolt" look but a "Is this some other fool thing I have to learn?" look. So encouraged I looped my right leg around the saddle horn. Again no response from the horse but my right thigh screamed. That's quite a stretch at a strange angle. Note to self - must do some yoga to loosen quads prior to sidesaddle clinic. This caused trainer to predict that the horse will be fine but I'm going to end up lame.
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| more pictures |
| 11.30.04 (2:39 pm) |
Here's another picture of Prize. This was taken last summer at a dressage breeding show. This shows the great skill of the show photographer because this was probably the only time that the little brat was on all four feet the whole show.
[image]spirit97_128100684 2.jpg[/image]
This picture will show you if you are a horse person or not.
Non-horse people ask where my head is.
Horse people say, "She looks great!" They don't notice that my head has fallen off.
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| Pictures |
| 11.29.04 (3:02 pm) |
The picture at the top of the page now was taken in my backyard a few nights ago. The colors were spectactular!
Here's a new picture of Prize. This was taken today. The picture is small which is good because it looks better. We were in an indoor arena with no lights on so the color is all messed up. That's not me on her. That's the trainer. He rides her in a western saddle but really, she's going to be a hunter under saddle and dressage horse when she grows up!
[image]spirit97_389927833 .jpg[/image]
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| blogarithm |
| 11.29.04 (4:46 am) |
Looking at my hits today (yeah, ok, I know, that's sort of anal and obsessive) I saw a site called bogarithm.com. I didn't know what that was so I checked it out. Seems that you can use this site to be sent an email whenever a blog is updated. Personally, I'm flattered that someone cares enough to want to know when I type. That's so sweet.
I thought I'd tell everyone about the service just in case I'm not the last person on earth to hear about it. I signed up a blog I like that is rarely updated. It's the story of an adoption of an Indian toddler. I sat down and read it start to finish one night and now wait for updates. Hope Child http://modernmother.jaimemavi...
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| Should I quit? |
| 11.28.04 (9:05 am) |
I'm mainly writing this as a way to sort out my jumbled thoughts but if you actually read it and have an opinion feel free to vote.
Should I quit my job? I have been working at one clinic for 4 years. I work there 2 days a week. I started working there through an agency but now am there as an independant contractor.
The Pros and Cons of the job
Pros
1. I love the other vets I work with there. They are funny and supportive and great guys.
2. It's close to home. If I quit I will go back to agency work which will mean I need to travel more. I'll still have the other clinic one day a week as an contractor.
3. Over the past 4 years the owner has been willing to change some things to make me happier (and himself happy too. After he's dragged kicking and screaming into modern medicine he realizes he likes it.)
Cons
1. The owner expects little to nothing from his staff so that's what they give. In most clinics a person comes in and they are greeting politely by a receptionist. Then a tech or assistant takes them into an exam room and figures out why they are here. Then they let the vet know that the patient is ready and help with the exam as needed. They also prepare prescriptions that might be needed and run lab tests. This frees up the vet to see appointments. After the appointment they prepare the room for the next patient.
At this clinic a person comes in and is greeted with, "What's the last name? Have you been here before?" The receptionist pulls the chart and lays it on the desk. Sometimes she lays it where a vet can see it and sometimes not. Then she will yell if a vet is not busy and has not noticed the hidden chart. The vet then has to go get the people in the waiting room and do the exam. If help is required for any reason you need to go ask nicely for help. Endure sighs and moans as whoever has decided to get off their butt makes it clear that you are bothering her. Listen to bitching all the way to the exam room. If there are tests to be run you will mostly likely need to do it yourself. ("Most likely" is an improvement. When I started it would have been "100% most definately do it yourself".) Finish the appointment, get the medicine, and then clean the room to get ready for the next appointment. This is terribly wasteful. The cold hard facts are that he is paying me 3-4 times an hour more than he is paying the staff. Wouldn't it be better to have me making money by seeing appointments than have me cleaning exam tables?
2. The clinic is way understaffed. The practice management books recommend at least 4 people per vet. There is one staff member per vet here. Here's the magic Catch-22. There aren't enough people here to run the place like a real clinic. But when you discuss adding more people they say there isn't anything for extra people to do. Yes! That's because you aren't doing what you should be doing to run the place well! But no staff member has ever worked at another clinic so they don't understand how things usually run. One person came in who did work at a real clinic. She did her best to recreate a real clinic but was mocked uncontrollably. This is directly related to, "All you other vets are lazy!" This is the favorite line of the staff who don't understand why all the relief vets who come in seem to think that the staff members are going to do more than they are accustomed to doing.
3. The owner is bipolar. I started working there right when he was improving from his last really bad spell. From time to time he just won't show up for a week or so and stuff like that. Recently he quit going to his support group. Maybe I'm paranoid but he seems to be losing focus at work. I literally had to pull him into the surgery room last week to get him focused on doing the scheduled surgeries. He also would come in and talk to me and my clients just randomly instead of seeing his own. He's also having some health problems that are distracting him. I don't want to get caught up in another wave of problems that make life miserable for everyone.
4. The baby. One of the receptionists is having a grandchild. She thinks of herself as a super-mom type with perfect chilren. She will tell you this without prompting in a very condescending, perky, arrogant way. She's also deluded and/or in denial. She once told me that she knew that her oldest had never been with a woman. In fact he had never even considered it. Found out later that he had been living with his girlfriend for a year at that point. Ok, well now her youngest daughter is having a baby. This was serious trauma at first because she's not married and hardly knew the father. But now in a freaky change of mood this is the best thing that ever happened. The woman has taken over the kid's life. She dropped out of college and moved home for no reason that I can fathom other than her mom wanted her too. I got the impression from the receptionist that the boyfriend was out of the picture and good riddance. Funny, when the thank you note for the shower gift arrived it was signed by both the girl and the boyfriend. The receptionist keeps talking about what she is going to do when the baby is born. There is never any discussion about what the real mother of this child is going to be doing. I truly believe that this kid will have the baby and not be allowed to touch it again if her mother has anything to do with it. I don't know if this is true or not but she has said that she has permission to bring the baby to work with her. I hate babies. Flame me if you must but that's the truth. Remember how understaffed the clinic is? Now one of the two workers will be watching a newborn? Not going to work. I worked at a clinic once where a person brought her kid. It was horrible. This kid was older so I didn't have baby-hate going on but the situation was bad. If this is true nothing else will matter. I'm out of there.
4. They yell my name. Back to laziness. If they would like to talk to me they yell my name from the front desk. I refuse to answer. Figure if it's that important they can get off their butts, find me, and talk civilized. I don't answer my own husband if he is randomly bellowing so I'm surely not answering them. The husband is starting to learn. They aren't. Telling them that I don't appreciate it makes them do it more.
5. I'm really a very laid back person. That's why I've dealt with this for so long. But by the end of the second day there I am literally biting my tongue to keep from telling people off. I think what precipiated this latest thinking was working 3 days in a row there last week. By the middle of the last day the grandma receptionist looked at me and perkily-sarcastically said to me, "Are you tired?" Implying severe lack of intestinal fortitude and grit if I was was because she's never been like that. I perkily replied, "No, just in quite a bad mood, thank you." He, He, He. That gave them something to talk about for a while.
So I read back through this and say obviously the smart choice is to leave if the job is making me miserable. Why am I even thinking?
1. I feel guilty. The owner is having health problems and another one-day-a-week vet leaving in January. He bought out my contract with the agency. That contract buyout period is done on 12/8. He did that as a favor to me and now I want to walk away? He's lost no money on me if I stay past 12/8 so that's not a factor but it just seems rude. He honestly believes that I'm going to stay there forever. I've never said that and discourage that belief when he says it but if I quit it will be a big problem for the clinic. I just convinced him that I'm not going to pick up the other vet's hours when she leaves. He seemed honestly shocked when I was adamant that I would not take them. I've been a push-over about that kind of stuff before but I knew that I couldn't take the 3 days in a row every week. I've semi-jokingly told him that I've been so reliable for him for the past years that its going to be a shock when I'm gone. He thinks I'm always going to be there as a reliable fall back.
2. It's steady work. I won't be able to pick up the hours I work there easily. But until 12/8 I am being paid far less than I would be paid anywhere else.
The main thing is that I feel like walking away now would be screwing them over. Some of it seems so petty. But I've spent all weekend thinking about this and feeling stressed so that's not good either. I know that my main objections are not going to change. I know this because I considered leaving before. I discussed some of this with the owner. Things like the staff attitudes got a bit better for a while. But since fundamentals don't change nothing is ever resolved. Before it was a bit of a bluff because I really needed the money. Now that's not so much of a factor. I will be ok if I walk away. Can't quit working entirely but I don't absolutely have to have that many hours. My husband's company sold some property. He's getting enough money from that in December to cover my salary for 2-3 years. There is a lot of home improvement that needs to be done. A lot of that money is earmarked for that. Once I made him understand that I wasn't talking about quitting entirely he calmed down some. I think he saw his home improvement budget flying out the window. If we use some of it to pay down some debt that will make it even easier.
A lot of my salary goes to cover student loans and other debts.
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| cleaning update |
| 11.28.04 (7:22 am) |
A while ago I posted that I had decided to try out the FlyLady thing again. If you aren't familiar FlyLady is a system of keeping your house clean by setting routines and breaking everything up into short spurts of cleaning several times a day instead of trying to do it all at once. For more info you can go to http://www.flylady.net.
I did well for a few days but then the emails started to get me. For a system that prides itself on being clutter free they send an enormous amount of repetitive emails. That's what killed it for me before. This time I quit the email group and focused on what was on the webpage. Each week you are supposed to work on a zone in your house. This can give you the good feeling of saying to your significant other, "I know the living room's a mess but that's not my zone this week." I know that not really the idea of the zones but it worked for me. Every day they post a simple task that you should do in your zone. I don't always do them but I read them at least once a week. I think of that as "It's the thought that counts."
My house is cleaner though. The proof is that there did not need to be a full day panic cleaning episode before my parents came this weekend. I've also taken to the idea of doing things for short bursts of time. Just now I made a playlist of 7 upbeat songs on my IPod. Seven isn't a magic number - it was just the songs I felt like hearing. Then I cleaned everything I could while the songs played. When the songs were done I was done. In that time I:
cleaned the bathroom mirrors
cleaned the shower doors
cleaned the toilet
cleaned behind the toilet
picked up the clutter on the vanity
put the sheets and pillow cases in the washer
washed a few doors
sorted some mail
cleaned out one bowl that the husband had piled random junk in (I'd been looking for that bowl!)
and I got an aerobic workout because I was dancing and singing the whole time.
It's times like that when I hope the husband hasn't installed secret cameras in the house. Very embarrassing. But it was actually fun. If my songs hadn't started to slow down towards the end I may have even hit repeat and kept working. Good thing to keep in mind. Wild songs first, then gradually get slower. No need to OD on housework.
I've also been trying to make a point of doing the #1 FlyLady thing. Shine your sink before you go to bed. That requires that you get all the dirty dishes out of it and wipe it clean. That way you aren't looking at a pile of dirty dishes first thing in the morning. And if you are home keep the laundry going. The big thing for me is to get it put away. My MIL and DH would actually prefer that no clothes were ever put away. They want them left in the entryway so they can find them. I have to move quick to get the clothes in the appropriate rooms before they see what I'm doing. But it makes me happier not to be confronted with a pile of clothes when I walk in the door. Thwarting the MIL and having a more presentable house? Who knew cleaning had such good points?
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| weird suffing |
| 11.28.04 (6:05 am) |
I made this stuffing for Thanksgiving. It sounds strange but I love mushrooms and cherries so I decided to try it. It is adapted from a recipe for Turkey and Stuffing from the TV show Good Eats. Even the resident male carnivore liked it.
1 quart vegetable broth
1 ounces dried mushrooms
1 oz fresh mushrooms
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped green pepper
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 tablespoon kosher salt
3 cups Challah bread, cut into 1/2-inch cubes (from approximately 4 to 5 slices)
4 ounces unsweetened dried cherries, approximately 1 cup
2 ounces chopped pecans, approximately 1/2 cup
2 whole eggs, beaten
2 teaspoons dried rubbed sage
2 teaspoons dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Heat the vegetable broth in the microwave in a large microwave-proof container. Place mushrooms in a glass bowl and pour heated broth over them. Cover and allow to sit for 35 minutes.
In a large mixing bowl toss the onion, celery, and green pepper with the oil and salt. Place the vegetables on a sheet pan and roast for 35 minutes. During the last 10 minutes of cooking, spread the cubed bread over the vegetables, return to the oven, and continue cooking.
Drain mushrooms, reserving 1 cup of liquid. Chop all the mushrooms and place in a large
microwave-proof bowl with the vegetables and bread, reserved broth, cherries, pecans, eggs, sage, parsley and black pepper. Stir well in order to break up pieces of bread. Use your hands to combine, if necessary. Heat the stuffing in a microwave on high power for 6 minutes.
Cook for 30 minutes.
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| irritation |
| 11.27.04 (1:52 pm) |
The #^%#$@ @#$%%$$%^ (otherwise known as the mother-in-law) wasn't home for 10 seconds before she pissed me off. I swear either she's getting worse or I'm getting less tolerant.
She walked in and asked my husband to get her suitcases out of the car. Minor annoyance for her laziness but I could let that go. Then she explained why he had to get the suitcases. Seems that there were no lights on outside or in the garage (conservation is a good thing). There is construction stuff in the garage. Because she couldn't see well she couldn't carry in her suitcase. Now, to come in and complain about that she needed to walk past all the light switches for the garage and outside lights. So, in theory, one could have turned on the lights and then gone and gotten your own #$@#$%#$% suitcase. Yep, I'm getting less tolerant.
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| gift overload |
| 11.27.04 (1:13 pm) |
My parents were here for a few days. Yesterday was my birthday so they came for a visit. Basically we sat around and talked until it was time to eat a meal. Then we went and ate. Today we went to a movie. We saw National Treasure. It was pretty good.
I have been trying to teach my mother to give less gifts. They are big time into gift giving occasions. It's hard to explain why that is a problem. I don't like "stuff". I've always been given a lot of "stuff" for holidays. Most of it is stuff that I would not choose for myself. They tend to be volume over quality givers. That's not exactly fair because most of the stuff is good but it's just way over the top. The first Christmas we were together my husband was amazed by the number of gifts. Part of what has been limiting it lately is the amount of space we have available to haul it back home in an SUV. A large SUV. 2 people. Does that give you an idea of the volume?
I'm trying to teach her to give consumable gifts. Gift certificates, food, magazine subscriptions, memberships to organizations, etc. She's getting better. Part of my plan is getting her conditioned to this in case we adopt a kid. Our child would be the only grandchild. Potential gift overload to put all other gift overload to shame. I don't want a kid to be given a lot of stuff. Don't want a spoiled brat on my hands. I want to teach my kid to be as non-material as possible. Having her materialistic father around will make that hard enough without her grandparents loading her up with stuff.
Anyway, my mom did well this year. I got flowers, a paring knife, a book, a phone card, and a box of my dad's past issues of Men's Health magazine. (I love Men's Health and I read all the back issues he has whenever I go there.) I think the magazines were a comment on my harping about "simple things like magazines" but I like them anyway.
Reading back over that I'm sure many people will think that I'm an ungrateful little bitch for whining about overabundance. I'm not. I'm just trying to lead a simple life without a lot of stuff cluttering up the house and without feeling guilty that they are spending so much money on gifts that will eventually end up at the Salvation Army.
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| good training |
| 11.27.04 (12:37 pm) |
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I looked outside today and Spirit was standing at the gate staring at the house. That is my cue that he wants attention. I head out there. I get close to the gate. At that point he knocks over the water bucket with his nose. I see that it is empty. Then he kicks it with a front foot under the fence so it lands at my feet. I get the point that I am supposed to do something about this. I am so well trained.
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| I wish! |
| 11.25.04 (5:35 pm) |
If this was true my husband might sell me.....
I'm worth $2,739,368.16! How much are you worth?
I've also added a guestmap over on the right. I love knowing where everyone is coming from so take a second and mark your location. Thanks!
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| Dinner |
| 11.25.04 (12:15 pm) |
I'm most of the way through the spur of the moment Thanksgiving dinner. I have 15 minutes before I have to do anything.
I went out to buy groceries and when I got back my husband was here. He got onto a stand-by flight. Now he is sound asleep. I'm not sure if I should wake him up when dinner is done or not. He looked awful.
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| Thanksgiving |
| 11.25.04 (5:06 am) |
My husband is currently sleeping on the floor of O'Hare Airport. He made it that far but isn't able to get a flight out until 3:45 this afternoon. I know this because the security guards are trying to make sure that people don't miss any more flights so they are waking up people who are asleep to ask when their flights are scheduled. Since he was up at 6:00 am he decided that I should be up too. I'm guessing the earliest he'll make it back here is 8:00 or so tonight. He said he was going to type a sign with his flight schedule to his forehead and try to go back asleep. There are no rental cars and there is a 2 hour wait outside for taxis so he can't even go anywhere in Chicago.
So I guess going to the restaurant he wanted to go to is out. I think that I'll make Thanksgiving dinner for him. I'll go to the restaurant and get take out turkey so I don't have to deal with that. It's nice when you can combine your principles (not cooking meat) and laziness all in one. I found a stuffing recipe that I wanted to try anyway so I'll make that. Let's see, we need mashed potatoes and veggie gravy (searching for recipes as I type). I have green beans for green bean casserole and cauliflower since I want to learn to like that. Of course there needs to be desserts (more fudge?). I'll make pies. And some type of bread product. Well, this will keep me off the streets today.
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| Strengthen the Good |
| 11.24.04 (2:45 pm) |
I came across this while surfing today. Strengthen the Good lists one small charity opportunity a month that people can get involved in. They use a network of bloggers to post the opportunity of the month around thw web to get support. This month they are helping a school in Slovakia build an English language library for the students to practice their language skills.
Here's an excerpt of the post:
And there's the opportunity: to help Douglas and the CS Lewis school bring English--which the students call "the language of freedom"--and a bit of genuine America--which is still widely misunderstood in the former East Block--to the teenagers of Petrzalka. Together, with just a bit of time and energy, we can build an English-language library right in the center of a former Soviet-era apartment complex.
Here's how we can help strengthen the good: Below is a list of books the school needs for the English and American Studies programs ... the items with an asterisk are those for which they need several copies (as many as twenty each to use for literature classes). Anything else they will use to build the library.
Douglas also notes that:
... obviously, people shouldn't feel limited by the list. If they have something in English that they think is worth sending, bring it on.
I'm not posting the whole list because it is long. But here is the link for more information. http://www.strengthenthegood....
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| My vacation |
| 11.24.04 (2:06 pm) |
I need a vacation. I spent about half an hour today trying to figure out ways that I could survive financially if I told the people I was working with to kiss my butt and walked out. Since I didn't figure out a way that I thought my husband would agree with I stayed. But now I am on vacation.
The mother-in-law went to bother other people over the holidays. So there is no TV on here and in a spirit of rebellion I've brought out candles and lit them all over the house. (She forbids candles in my house.) I'm drinking wine from a mug. I don't drink wine often enough to actually own wine glasses. The only problem is that the husband is stuck in Denver because Chicago has snow. Hopefully he'll get home tonight sometime. If not I'm going to surf for a while and then go take a long hot bath. Then I'll climb into bed and read until I fall asleep.
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| cat yoga |
| 11.23.04 (3:49 pm) |
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I was just doing a relaxation yoga session. I lit candles and was having a nice easy session. I was in a warrior pose when one of my cats came strolling past. Then he laid down and wrapped his front legs around my ankles. Then he dug his claws in. End of quiet relaxation. I finished the session in spite of his help. He laid next to me during the floor work. He laid under my legs during spinal twists. The teacher told me to "Feel the sensations." That's right when my dog joined in by licking my face. My other cat laid on the bed and considered joining in but finally figured that the other two had it all under control. This kind of stuff never happens to the people on the yoga tapes.
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| GINLM 3 |
| 11.23.04 (2:43 pm) |
Are you sneaky about your spiritual life?
Absolutely. The only person who knows about my conversion from Christianity towards paganism (besides people who read this blog) is my husband. Most everything I've read seems to encourage keep quiet about it so you don't have to deal with the people who assume that pagans are satanists.
For example, I was sharing fudge recipes at a clinic. They are listed on a pagan site. The people I was downloading them for were shocked that I knew about pagan sites. One of them was much quicker on the uptake than most and asked in a fascinated/horrified whisper, "Are you a witch?" I truthfully said no. I considered trying to explain that the person who has the website isn't a witch either but figured that knowing too much about the details and distinctions would only get me more questions. They told me to make sure that I wiped the history after I got the recipes because the office manager would totally freak. I guess the day before she was talking about how people who drink wine were going to hell and quoting the bible verses to back her up.
I don't want to be sneaky. It's a whole new deal for me to not be in the majority religion. I find myself not saying things that come to mind in conversations because it will reveal more than a passing interest in pagan things. But at the same time I'm wearing earrings with the "OM" symbol on them. (Not pagan I know but definately not mainstream Christian). No one said anything about them. If they had asked I imagine I would have said that I relate to it through yoga. That's true but it totally ducks the religion/meditation aspect.
I do worry about getting into conversations with Christian friends. I was a pretty outspoken Christian back in the day so just the fact that I don't go to church would surprise most of them. Then they would ask why. I haven't been in this situation yet except with my mother (who insists I'm not going to church just to be difficult). Most of my Christian friends live out of state. It will be interesting when it comes up. Knowing me I'll probably try to duck the question but if it comes down to it I'm not going to lie. People will freak.
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| comments |
| 11.22.04 (4:21 pm) |
I like getting comments but I'm not so good about writing them. I was surfing today and decided to make an effort to write comments on other people's blogs. It's better to give than receive and all that. That's not so easy. A lot of times I just don't have anything to add to a post.
Another thing I don't understand is rating blogs. The ratings can't be objective. Everyone has different tastes. A lot of people may hate the same blog that other people just love. Some people seem to like to trash blogs they don't care for. It's personal opinion people. If you don't like it move on. The only blogs I've ever rated were ones that I really like so I'm sure that skewed the results just as much the other way.
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| parents never grow up |
| 11.22.04 (12:55 pm) |
My parents are threatening to start a fight this weekend. Really, sometimes you can't take those people out in public.
There are coming here on Friday for my birthday (Happy Birthday to Me!) and a late Thanksgiving. They don't like the fact that the mother-in-law lives here. No one actually likes that fact but they are particularly vocal about it. It started because the MIL ran up big debts in my husband's name that he didn't know about before we got married. We found out when we were trying to buy a house and couldn't. My parents took out a 2nd mortage on their house to cover the bad debts. We are paying my parents back. Then the MIL came for a visit and never left. I heard once in a sermon that it is easier for people who have had bad things happen to them to get over the incidents that for the loved ones of the people to get over them. It's the same thing as when I get madder at her than my husband does when she is evil to him. My parents have grown a deep and visceral hate of the MIL. They are civil though when they are here. But I related a story to my mother the other day that I think pushed her over the edge.
The husband was visualizing his basement painted white. I was lobbying for green with dark wood wainscoating. An English pub look if you will. He was downstairs with the contractor and the MIL one day. I could hear him explaining how he was going to paint it green. The MIL went off on how stupid that was and how horrible it would look. I wanted to open the door and yell down, "This isn't your house, #$^&$#$!!!" But I didn't. I told my mom the story though and she flipped. I thought she was going to get in the car and drive down here and strangle the woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that. She's now vowing to voice loudly and often her opinion that the basement would be pretty in green. She's also vowed to be totally uncivil as often as possible. I don't think she'll do it but I wouldn't put it totally past her.
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| today |
| 11.22.04 (12:20 pm) |
It's 5:20 pm and there is no sign of the contractor. I'd like to think that's because he's busy tearing down stalls for me but somehow I doubt it.
I made more fudge today. I know, I know, it's a sickness. But I made Black Forest Fudge today. I think that chocolate covered cherries are the most perfect food imaginable so I think this fudge is absolutely awesome. I'm going to have to control myself or I'm going to eat the whole thing.
When we were taking down stalls the other day the contractor was discussing what was next at the house. I know that's he's never been known to finish one job around here let alone plan for the next but why let that get in the way of a good conversation? Anyway, what he said next totally shocked me. We were discussing finishing the upstairs bedroom and he said, "So, when are you guys thinking of starting the adoption?" I've never discussed it with him. So the husband must have been talking about it. I'm never sure exactly how he feels about it. He's changed his mind several times of the last few years. But he must be into the idea now because he's planning the bedrooms.
We were watching the TV the other night and there was something about parents talking to their kids about drugs. My husband was a big druggie in high school. He was also incredibly lucky. He never got addicted. He never got in trouble. He had friends die in drug deals though. He doesn't see that as a direct result of drugs but as a sign that the friend was stupid enough to try to rip off a dealer. After this "talk to your kids about drus" commercial he says, "You know, I don't regret using drugs at all. I think it was a good learning experience." I told him that we would need to practice that answer before anyone was going to interview us about our fitness as parents. I don't think that's what they are going to be looking for.
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| GINLM Exercise 2 |
| 11.21.04 (6:19 am) |
Here's the second journal exercise.
"The world is meant to be savored. It is filled with exquisite delights. This earth is the body of God, as we are. By savoring the delights of this earth, we connect to the divinity that flows through it and through us. Sight leads to insight. Hearing leads to being here. Touching puts us in touch. Scent brings us to our senses. Please list 50 particular things that you savor.
1. Caramel
2. The smell of horses
3. The scent of roses
4. Long, hot showers
5. Vanilla
6. The feel of lip balm on chapped lips
7. Cats cuddling in bed
8. A really good trot
9. Brightly colored quilts
10. Pina colada flavored anything
11. Washing off ground in dirt after hard work
12. Leaves under bike tires
13. The scent of cookies baking
14. Good con queso dip
15. Bubble baths
16. Iced caramel cappacino
17. Butterscotch
18. Horses nuzzling up to you
19. The smell of fresh cut hay
20. Horses nickering when you come to the barn
21. Watching sick dogs start to wag their tails again
22. Wearing high heels with the perfect outfit
23. Cuddling with my husband
24. Petting rabbits
25. The sight of Lake Erie filling the horizon
26. The smell of tropical beaches
27. The sound of wild parrots
28. Bees enjoying the garden
29. Hawks flying
30. The smell of my husband
31. Laying down in green grass
32. Trails through a pine forest
33. Full moons
34. A clean house
35. The pretzel bites from a certain movie theater
36. California Pizza Kitchen's Roasted Red Pepper and Goat Cheese pizza on honey wheat dough
37. Anything with goat cheese
38. Foals
39. Naps
40. Silk
41. Polyester lining fabric
42. A well written novel
43. Mangoes fresh from the tree
44. Creamy ice cream
45. My dog looking at me while she's upside down
46. The first big muscle release in a yoga session
47. Laughing until you cry
48. Crying when you need to
49. Red fingernail polish
50. Massages
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| God Is No Laughing Matter |
| 11.21.04 (5:51 am) |
I'm reading a book called "God is No Laughing Matter" by Julia Cameron. The title is ironic and/or sarcastic. The book is written from a Christian perspective - although many Christians would probably disagree with me on that. She says a lot of things that would probably be considered heretical. It consists of a series of essays followed by exercises that you are supposed to write about in your journal. I've decided to do some of them here.
1. What was your childhood religion, if any?
I was raised evangelical Christian.
2. What was the spiritual atmosphere in your home?
My parents were very involved in the church. Sunday school teachers, VBS coordinators, deacons, etc. We went to church every Sunday and to prayer meetings. It was a really big deal to miss a service. I wanted to miss more when I started showing horses but I could only miss for certain important shows during the year. That was granted with much reluctance. My parents weren't openly spiritual for the most part. We prayed a set grace before meals and their rules were biblically based - no drinking, sex, swearing etc. My dad tried to pray with me once but I refused so they gave that up.
3. Describe your childhood God using at least 10 adjectives.
all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipresent, loving, just, demanding, critical, compassionate, holy, 3-part
4. Is this still the God you believe in?
No.
5. What is your current concept of God?
I don't have a fully formed idea at this time but I'm leaning more towards a force or conciousness that includes all living things if it exists at all.
6. Describe your ideal God concept using at least 10 adjectives.
wise, caring, compassionate, loving, improving, involved, nuturing, role model, inclusive, karma
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| Stalls |
| 11.21.04 (5:17 am) |
Let's list contruction projects that are already scheduled here:
1. Finish basement
2. Repair barn
To that now we've added get stalls for the barn. I found out about a barn that is being demolished to make a new subdivision. (I hate that.) Anyway they are selling all the stuff in it cheaply. The stalls are made of oak and have full floor mats. If you go demolish them yourself and take them home they are $300. For reference, my stalls have full mats that I bought on sale. They cost $240 a stall. Just for the mats.
Here's a picture of the stalls before we started tearing them apart. [image]spirit97_135303682 5.jpg[/image]
We took the contractor and helper with us to do all the work. It's going to take a while.. They are supposed to load up their trailer in the morning with stall parts and then drive up here and unload. Then they work on the basement. Yeah, right. We also are going to buy some of their arena lights. The cost of those lights new were $850 a piece. We are getting them for $50 a piece. This barn is huge. There are 100 stalls, 4 bathrooms, laundry rooms, tacks rooms, and a big arena. It's a shame to see it torn down for houses but it works out well for us.
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| grumpy old man |
| 11.19.04 (5:41 am) |
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My farrier was just here. We had to trim Spirit outside. Why? Because he flat out refused to come into the barn. Not even for grain. He'd stand nicely outside but make a move to get him into the barn and he'd start running and rearing. It didn't help that this had both of us laughing hysterically. He was just so serious about being bad that it was funny. Spirit is normally such a good tempered old guy about his feet and he'll do anything for grain. It was just so out of character for him. Well, out of character for him at this age. Normal temper tantrum 15-20 years ago. Then I would have had to do something about it. That must be one of the benefits of getting old. You can be cranky and stubborn every so often and no one really cares.
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| earrings |
| 11.18.04 (10:19 am) |
I'm looking for earrings. Because of my job I don't wear a lot of jewelry but I like earrings. I don't have very many because I'm picky about them. There was one store that I loved where I bought a pair of earrings every time I went. But I must have been the only person doing that because they closed. Every pair of earrings I got from there had a nice little card with the name of the artist. That info would make it so easy to find them on the internet. Did I keep the cards? Of course not. So I am searching online for earrings that meet the requirements.
Earring Requirements:
1. If there is a jewel it should be a single stud. The stud should be large enough to see with the naked eye without having to press said eye into my earlobe. The jewel must be real. (These requirements taken together will go a long way to explaining why I don't have a lot of earrings.)
2. No huge dangly things. This goes back to the job. Puppies will pull on dangly earrings. I don't want to play tug-of-war with a Lab puppy using only my earlobe. Besides, I don't think it's very professional. What would you think if your vet showed up wearing huge dangly, sparkly earrings?
3. I want earrings that express my personality. My personality must be unique because there aren't a lot of earrings out there that fit this requirement.
4. I strongly prefer gold. I strongly prefer cheap. Some things don't go together.
5. I don't like beads or crystals.
6. They should be different. Quirky? Something like that. Probably related to #3.
See the problems? Let me describe some earrings that I've loved. I got a pair of quilt block earrings at the Smithsonian. They were tiny and each piece of the block was made of different colored wood. I wore them until they fell apart. I have a pair of silver hearts that have a moon inside the heart. I got these when I was just starting to think about paganism. I call them my "woman power" earrings. I have a tendency to wear them when I'm irritated with my husband. They make me feel like I could turn him into a newt if I wanted to and only my superior ethical standards stop me. (Just kidding.)
So how do you distill all that to put it into a search engine? I finally searched for "artisan earrings." Mostly found large dangly stuff but I did find two sites that I liked.
Novica http://www.novica.com A store run by National Geographic that seels stuff made by artists around the world. I didn't buy anything here because it violates the cheap rule but there is a necklace that I may go back to. Or better yet I may send it to the husband because my birthday's next week.
Moonstone Jewelry http://store.yahoo.com/moonst... This was the jackpot. Mostly silver but just the kind of earrings I could find at the store that closed. And there was a clearance section. I have three pairs of earrings ordered.
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| Fudge |
| 11.17.04 (2:30 pm) |
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I went on a fudge making spree. Well maybe not a full fledged spree but definately more than a dabble. I found a lot of great sounding fudge recipes on "Was It The Pagan Remark?" (see link on the right). The problem is that I like to cook but I don't like to have all the finished food around afterwards. So now I'm up to my ears in fudge. I sent some to my mom today for her birthday. I took some to work. There's still more. What's even worse is that I'm still craving to make more of the delicious sounding recipes just so I can try one piece. I need to get a grip.
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| Montreal |
| 11.14.04 (4:22 am) |
I have a new travel desire. I want to go to Montreal. I started thinking about it when the cruise stopped in Halifax. In a store I saw a guidebook for Montreal. It appealed to me for some reason. Mostly because I've never been there and because it would be a doable weekend trip.
I started thinking about it again out of the blue on Thursday morning. Then when I got to work the white board that is supposed to list instructions for hospitalized patients was covered in French declarations of love for some pets and disdain for others. Apparently the owner's daughter is taking French in school but I prefer to think of it as written proof from the universe that I should take a trip to Montreal.
I know absolutely nothing about Montreal. I would have no idea where to go or what to see. Should have bought that guidebook. All I know for sure is that it is way to cold in the winter to visit so I'll have plenty of time to research.
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| Happy Anniversary! |
| 11.13.04 (12:17 pm) |
It suddenly occured to me today that it is my anniversary! Twenty years ago today I got my first horse. I'm going to go out and give him lots of carrots.
[image]spirit97_837529182 .jpg[/image]
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| construction hell..... |
| 11.13.04 (5:58 am) |
Construction continues. The first day of real construction was Thursday. I came home from work as they were carrying drywall downstairs. It was the contractor and two helpers. The helpers were awful. They were loud. Yelling over the noise of the radio, swearing, throwing wood, and stomping up and down the stairs. Sometimes all at the same time. My rabbit is in the basement. Rabbits get scared easy and actually can die from stress. I go to find him and he's hiding in his tunnel.
So I get mad. There was no reason to be carrying on like that. I call the husband. (Yeah, real liberated right? But the contractor is his friend so I'm letting him deal with it.) He eventually gets them to settle down. Rabbit is no worse for wear. In fact after they leave I can't find him. Eventually see him playing in a tool box. The loudest helper isn't coming back.
Friday I am gone most of the day. I get home at 3:30 and there is no construction going on. I call the husband. Say that it doesn't look like anyone has been here. He calls his friend. Friend finally shows up at 6:00 pm. He was supposed to be here at 9:00 am. This is the same guy who only ever got 4 lights in my barn finished.
They decided that they need to move the plumbing to make the ceiling look better. Then they realize that there is a finished hole from the top story to the bottom. No idea why. The laundry hookups aren't in the basement but that's the best guess of what it may be. A really big laundry chute. If we knock it out we can add a few feet to our closet. So, raise your hand if you are surprised that finding a place for the pool table to live now includes moving the plumbing and knocking out walls upstairs. Me neither.
He was supposed to be here between nine and ten today. It's 11. You get what you pay for. If he didn't do such wonderful work for low prices he'd never get a job. It will be beautiful if it ever gets finished. He said last night that it will be done in 2 weeks. My husband muttered January 5th under his breath. The contractor didn't understand why we were laughing.
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| saddle |
| 11.12.04 (2:25 pm) |
I've been looking for sidesaddles. They are really expensive. Then I found this one that isn't expensive. So I'm suspicious. Why is it cheap?
[image]spirit97_254298655 .jpg[/image]
I'm going to email this picture to people smarter than me about these things. I can return the saddle if it doesn't fit me or the horse.
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| tourist in my own backyard |
| 11.12.04 (2:08 pm) |
This morning at my lesson my trainer declared that my horse had been very good lately. So of course she was a brat today. Lazy mostly. I actually had to slap her on the butt with the reins to convince her I was serious about wanting her to canter.
Afterwards I went to a conservatory. They were having a display of stone sculptures representing life in Zimbabwe. The conservatory was pretty cool. It reminded me of a zoo for plants. There were leaf-cutter ants, macaws, lories, and iguanas too. I've decided to make an effort to visit the museums in the area. I got this idea while I was being entertained in California. I wondered what I would do if I was suddenly faced with the prospect of entertaining a visiting stranger for several days. This isn't a tourist town like they had so it would be hard. I decided to go be a tourist in the area. The conservatory was my first stop. I had been there for a wedding once but never to look at the exhibits.
Other stops on my tour will be the craft museum (I've been there once), the historical centers in several towns, and several art museums.
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| Super Size Me |
| 11.10.04 (5:41 pm) |
I watched Super Size Me last night. I'm not a McDonald's heavy user. The whole vegetarian thing stops that. (But I do like Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Bagels with no bacon for breakfast.)
I made my lunch today instead of going to a fast food place. Maybe it will be a good influence on me. The problem is that I'm generally too lazy in the morning to make something for lunch.
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| sickly bosses |
| 11.10.04 (5:33 pm) |
I never get sick but yesterday I woke up and felt awful. I get to work and one of the receptionists helps me carry my bag in. First clue that something is wrong. Then she says, "You need all the help you can get." My foggy brain says, "Huh?" Then she adds in a stage whisper, "He's leaving." Gestures towards the boss.
Great. He has a tendency to do this. He's sickly. He will just call off and leave you scrambling to reschedule appointments at the last minute. But it turns out he'd been having an irregular heartbeat. He had a workup the day before and got the message that something was wrong and he needed to come back for more tests.
Later that night I call his cell phone to see how he is and to update him on some cases. His wife answers. I ask for him. She says, "He's at work. Who's calling?"
Mentally, I cuss him out. What do you say to that? Is he lying to me about where he is or to her? I go for the truth. I say who I am.
She cheerfully says, "Oh, hi!"
Then I timidly add, "He's not at work."
Long pause - plenty of time to curse him again - "Oh, that's right he had that doctor's appointment today."
At least if he's lying he had to forethought to give us both the same lie.
This morning he called to say that he didn't know if he'd be able to come back to work before January. He can be a bit melodramatic. By this afternoon it had changed enough that he said he'll be in tomorrow. If he is truly sick this could get interesting.
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| quizzes |
| 11.08.04 (2:49 pm) |
I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
This one is good. Horses, brown hair, green eyes, and my sign is right? That's sort of scary....
Your Beauty lies
in Nature. Down to earth, laid back and a natural
beauty. You have no need for
make-up or accessories that most others do. In fact
you most likely find them a
nuisance. You are probably a little tom-boyish in
your jeans and tees with a
great love for nature. You probably know more about
plants and animals than most
people and you'd rather spend your times outdoors
and in the sun, independent
and free. You can be a bit distant with people,
preferring the company of
animals over people, which isn't always the best
thing. You can be kind and
sweet, but not many see that side of you as you
often have misunderstandings
with people. You are very go-with-the-flow sort of
person and usually try to
avoid fights even if it means changing your opinion
or belief. Still, you are
you look your best actually without make-up and in
casual clothes. Very few can
say that. Be proud.
Some Things
That Represent You:
Element:
Earth, Wind Animal: Horse Color:
Green, Purple, Earth Tones Song:
The Memory Of Trees by Enya Expression: Cool
Smile
Gemstone:
Emerald Mythological Creature: Fairy, Elf
Sign:
Saggritarius Planet: Earth
Hair Color: Brown Eye Color:
Bright Green
Quote:
"Horses love me. Cowboys fear me."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
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| the ride that wasn't |
| 11.08.04 (4:19 am) |
I left last Thursday to go to Santa Barbara to judge a trail ride. I travelled for 9 hours including a 4 hour layover in Dallas. Have you ever been to the Dallas airport? Not the best airport in the world for a layover. I'm not alone in thinking this because I could hear other bewildered travelers asking each other, "Is this all there is?"
So I get to Santa Barbara. That is a strange airport too. You get off the plane on the tarmac and go to a little one room building where they drive the baggage cart up and hand you your bags. This very nice elderly man figures out that I'm the person he was sent to collect and then cheerfully informs me that the ride I was hired to judge has been cancelled. He was so cheery in fact that I didn't believe him at first. Thought he was a bit of a prankster. But he kept talking about rain and dangerous mountain ranch roads and I realized that he was serious. He was walking me to his car so he was obviously planning on keeping me so I followed along.
Ok, it's 6:00 pm on Thursday night and I'm not scheduled to leave until 6:00 am on Monday. What am I going to do now? Turns out the decision to cancel the ride wasn't made until I was in the air so they couldn't tell me not to come. So they decided to entertain me for the weekend.
On Friday they took me riding at a mission. I rode a horse that was a multiple Tevis finisher. The Tevis Cup is one of the roughest 100 mile endurance races in the world. Distance riders in CA include the number of times the person has done Tevis as an important part of any introduction. I use that information to gauge how crazy the person apparently is. What sane person would spend up to 24 hours on a horse crossing steep mountain passes in the dark and swinging bridges in the light? Truly nuts. Anyway, my horse was very nice once we settled the matter of who exactly was in charge. Silly me had started the ride trying to control the direction and set the pace. Once I was disabused of that notion we got along swimmingly. We were attacked by killer pampas grass. The other horse was convinced it was going to eat him and my horse was convinced that he had to be scared of something more than stupid grass so he started to get nervous. After that it was all good. They do have little informational signs out on these trails explaining about mountain lions and rattlesnakes. I was a bit concerned that these were like the signs in the zoo where you should look around because somewhere in the general area there IS a mountain lion even if you can't see it right now. I think these signs would be a more helpful warning if placed at the beginning of the trail so you could decide if you wanted to avoid the trail instead of several miles out when you are in prime danger of being eaten. Maybe it is to help you identify what is eating you.
On Saturday I did the tourist thing in Santa Barbara. It is very cool. The Santa Ynez mountains are very close to the coast so there are some spectactular views. We went out the wharf and then went to a movie. That night there was a party for the people who were going to volunteer at the ride to eat some of the food that was bought for the ride and commiserate. I found out that I was influental at the party. A lady came up to me and asked if I had judged a certain ride last year. I had made them do turns on the forehand and haunches. She got herself a trainer after that ride and has been practicing ever since. I was going to ask for it again at this ride so she was quite disappointed that she didn't have the chance to show them off.
I did find myself in a bit of a soap opera. This whole group was brought together by a lady who introduced them all to the sport. She died a few years ago. She was beloved by all and so was her husband. Her husband picked me up from the airport and kept me at his house. Since her death he found himself a lady friend. She's living with him and his wife's friends do not approve. They think she's a bit of bimbo. Since I was in the house for several days I kept getting questioned about their habits. Insatiable curiousity from the wife's friends. Mind you the man is about 80 and the girlfriend is in her 60s. The friends are 40s to 60s. I wanted to say, "He's a man. Of course he picked himself up a younger woman when the wife died. That's how they do things." I also made a mental note to collect friends who would outlive me and make them promise to give my husband hell if he picks up a bimbo.
I changed my ticket to Sunday in order to get home and prepare for basement construction starting tomorrow. So now I have to go get to work.
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| gone for a while |
| 11.03.04 (2:17 pm) |
I'm off to California for the weekend to judge a trail ride.
Maybe the mantra worked.....
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| ghost story? |
| 11.01.04 (1:44 pm) |
I was reading other blog's ghost stories and this came to mind.
When we were still living in our townhouse the sewing and computer room was upstairs. You came up the stairs to a small landing. If you went left you went in the computer room and if you went right you went into the bedroom. I was at the computer when the dog started staring out onto the landing. She wasn't upset or excited. She looked like someone she knew was on the stairs and she was watching to see which room they were going to go into. I couldn't see the landing from where I was but I knew I was home alone. The dog laid down facing the door. Her eyes never moved from the spot she was watching and her head was tilted a bit to the left. I told myself that she was a bit odd at times so it was no big deal. But then the rabbit hopped over to her. They tolerate each other but are not buddies. He turned his head and looked in the direction she was looking. Then he turned and laid down next to her and stared at the same spot. I swear to God he even cocked his head sideways like the dog. I jumped out my chair and looked out there. I didn't see anything so I slammed the door. The dog and rabbit looked at me like, "What's her problem?", got up, and went back about their business. They have never laid down beside each other in the three years since then. I have no idea what was out there but they were fascinated.
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| all better |
| 11.01.04 (1:26 pm) |
After my lesson Friday I adjusted my horse's back and neck. She was having trouble holding her frame. Today she was a totally new horse. Now the trainer feels even more bad about getting mad at her temper tantrum a few weeks ago. I told him it was ok. She needed to know that throwing an absolute hissy fit is never acceptable no matter what the reason.
I also got her doing great turns on the haunches today. If she ever learns to walk over poles without dragging all her feet she'll be a great trail horse.
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| stupid stuff I've done recently |
| 11.01.04 (1:20 pm) |
I went on a real cleaning kick yesterday. As part of it I decided to fix a hole in my couch cushion. I had a patch for it. It would seal it up real nice and easy. Now you can all probably see this coming from a mile away and in hindsight I see I was stupid but I caught the couch on fire with the iron-on patch. Just a little bit. Until the fabric burned through and left a scorched area. So, I have the cushion turned over on the couch. But the bottom of the cushion is tan and the top is green (and now black) so it is very noticeable that it doesn't match the others. Oh well.
A few weeks ago I used a new brand of hair dye. It was the night before I left for an out of town wedding. Again it doesn't take a genius to see where this is going. Instead of pretty light brown with a bit of a red tint as advertised my hair was orange. I had pretty much convinced myself that it was going to be ok when my husband looked at me and said, "Hey, your hair is orange. Did you mean to do that?" I get teary and then he tries to tell me that he's sure no one will notice. "You still look pretty. It doesn't look natural is all I'm saying." More tears. Then I hear him talking to the dog. "Snowball, I'm a bad boy today." Some contrition is better than none I guess.
I see my parents at the wedding. My dad says, "Redhead, huh?" I inform him that his son-in-law had already had this discussion and no it wasn't on purpose. Of course my mother decides to take pictures anytime anyone she knew danced with anyone else she knew so there are lots of pictures to remember the orange hair. I'm planning on blaming the DJ's lights for the strange tint of my hair in the pictures.
I come home from the wedding and overdye the hair with a darker brown. Comes out red. Really red. But it is a color naturally seen in hair. Just not my hair. I do this right before a lesson. First words out of the trainer's mouth are "What did you do to your hair?" I explain about having hair so orange I could have gone hunting without getting shot. End of discussion until 2 hours later when we are unsaddling the horse. Out of the blue he looks at me and asks, "Were you going hunting?" And so it has gone. All of my male aquaintances have made similar hair comments. I never knew men paid so much attention to hair color.
Did lots of laundry yesterday. Total domestic hyperdrive. Today at my lesson I'm trotting away. I was doing really well with my horse. We stop trotting. Trainer says "That was good. What on your elbow?" I have psoriasis on that elbow so I was about to launch into my talk on skin diseases when I notice the dryer sheet hanging out of my left sleeve. It was dislodged by all the trotting.
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| India |
| 11.01.04 (5:56 am) |
I got caught reading naughty websites last night. I tried to close the screen every time the husband came in the room but I was too slow once and he saw enough to figure out that I'm starting to kid obsess again. I want to adopt a child from India. The husband and I have been talking about this for years. He originally wanted biological children. I am adamantly opposed to biological children. I can't stand babies but I like older kids. I would like to adopt a kid in the 3-5 year old range.
The husband was saying bio kids or no kids. I was saying adopted kids or no kids. So we settled on no kids. That's ok with me. I've never been a person who always imagined herself having kids. In fact I've never been able to imagine myself with kids. But more and more I've been thinking about adoption again. The husband seems to be on board now. It's no longer a discussion about whther to adopt but when to adopt. So that leads to the naughty website. http://modernmother.jaimemavi... I've been reading the archives to see a step by step story of Indian adoption. It's pretty much what I expected from the research I've been doing.
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| political lovefest |
| 11.01.04 (4:38 am) |
I'm going to feel so unloved after tomorrow. We have a new game at my house. When the phone rings we guess if it is the Republicans or Democrats calling us. My husband is at 100% right now. He must have political party psychic ability.
We let the answering machine pick them all up. The democrats are trying to woo us with famous people like Kirsten Dunst and Wesley Clark. The republicans go for more practical measures like offering us rides to the polls and giving us numbers to call if we don't know where to go vote.
Let's all repeat the mantra for Ohio....
PLEASE GOD DON'T LET IT BE CLOSE!!!!!!!!
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